She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
