dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
