Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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