so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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