so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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