just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I smell like Dick and happiness
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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