somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
