Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i now understand why vodka
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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