Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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