Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
