Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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