she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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