I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
