You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
