did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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