you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize