I cannot find my penis.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
