Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
