he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
