I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
