just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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