If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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