wat bout pragnant strippers??
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
