We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
