It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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