Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
