the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
