I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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