turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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