Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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