Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
