so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize