you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I stole a fireplace last night.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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