Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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