he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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