two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
