my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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