"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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