I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
