I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
