Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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