Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
