So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
