I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
