and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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