don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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