i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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