im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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