the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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