he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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