i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
