i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
