I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
