I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
