i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
