happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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