I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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